Monday, March 10, 2008

A Response

Well, I'm sorry to say that I have not written in awhile. It's hard work keeping a blog going! But to quell this spell, I will make it easy on myself and write an unoriginal but still hopefully funny response to my good friend's recent post on his personal Ten Commandments. You can find Matty's original post here.


Thou shalt learn how to drive a standard transmission properly, which means no clutch riding, clutch jamming, or gear grinding. Proper standard driving is very important to me--my father is the master of clutch saving as he racked up close to 400,000 kms on his '88 Tercel wagon, all on the original clutch. He has passed this passion to me, his oldest and his only son.
Response: I myself have heard Matty brag of his dad's deeds many times before. And for good reason. I personally was taught how to drive by a race-car driver (thanks Bill O'Kell) and therefore do not have the same passion for conserving clutches, but rahter I choose to wear them out as aggresively as possible. Not because I am a poor standard driver, but rather because I like to jump the gun everytime off the line, pass people whenever an opportunity arises, and generally drive like I'm in the Indy 500 regardless of where I am or how much time I have to get somewhere.

2. Thou shalt not cheer for the Ottawa Senators hockey club. Unless they are the last Canadian team in the playoffs.

Sub-commandment a): thou shalt avoid cheering for American hockey teams if at all possible.

Sub-commandment b): thou shalt not like Daniel Alfredsson because he is a wiener.
Response: "Wiener" Hilarious. I personally cheer for the Bruins first, the Avs (or the Quebec franchise as I like to refer to them) second, the Nucks third, and then any and all Canadian teams to follow. I hate Toronto, Ottawa, and Montreal whehn they face my B's, but otherwise I am cool with them. However, I will NEVER cheer for the Rangers or Flyers, two of the most hated teams in history.

3. Thou shalt not support any other computer company but Apple because PC's are clearly inferior and don't look as cool.

Qualifying clause a): use of PC's at work is permitted and probably unavoidable, but try not to bring them into the home for personal use.
Response: Amen! I taught Matty the ways of the Apple. To illustrate, I will include a comic. If you cannot read it, then click on it and see a bigger version. Anyone who continues to claim Windows-based PCs are better are simply keeping their head in the sand. Pull it out people.

4. Thou shalt make flossing a daily part of thy oral hygiene regimen. Flossing decreases the risk of gum disease and leads to healthier teeth and gums, as well as improving your breath.
I do not floss. I hate flossing. It hurts. My teeth are too tight together. I once had a dental hygenist put her leg up on me in the chair in order to get better leverage while trying to get the floss in between my teeth. It worked. And it hurt. I beld for 2 days. And it did not turn me on.

5. Thou shalt avoid agreeing with thy best friend, Andrew J. Renton, on as many things as possible.

Sub-commandment a): thou shalt do thy best to provoke Andrew J. Renton as much as possible including the following: making fun of the Victoria Salmon Kings, mocking his taste in movies and music, and refusing to hang out with him when it's really late and you would rather sleep (a sure-fire way to get him calling you hilarious names such as "baby" and "pansy").

Sub-commandment b): thou shalt not feel like you must love Andrew J. Renton's cat, Lily, because you seem be the only to realize that she is not adorable and sweet, but unpredictable, destructive, and psychotic. Thou shalt not be pressured into thinking the cat is awesome.

Subcommandment c): though shalt not equate cats with people because no matter what you are told, cats are cats and people are people. How one treats their cat when they misbehave is not how they will treat their child.
I can attest to this commandment of Matty's. It is obviously my favourite of his commandments. I could pretend he is cruel and that it only goes one way, but then I would be lying to you all. We both hold this commandment for our lives. I too desire to disagree with Matty on all possible occasions and to try and agitate him to no end. It often works. As Jess the Londoner and I have often quipped, Matty's agitation just brings us so much joy. It's like a drug. And I can never have enough.
Subcommandment Response:
Lily is amazing. She is a freak, but that's why I like her. I taught her to scratch Matt's balls, so that's why she does it. He just doesn't realize it yet. She is amazingly intelligent and is trained exactly how I want her.

6. Thou shalt not listen to bad music, including almost everything that is played in the Top 40, bands that try and fail to sound like Pearl Jam, boy bands, girl bands, Britney Spears, and all those other no-talent pretty boys/girls who wouldn't know a musical instrument if they were hit over the head with one. This is one of the most sacred of the commandments.
I personally like to listen to all music, to get a good eclectic view. Matty refuses to listen to some, and therefore his judgement on music cannot be trusted. It is overly biased and ill-informed. Even the movie critics have to watch the junk in order to better understand the good and to sometimes have their eyes opened anew. Matty just wants to continue in his ways, never changing, and ranting about his personal opinions of music which have little to no merit.
(please see Commandment 5)

7. Thou shalt not watch reality television shows because they are bogus crap with no inherent value whatsoever.

Sub-commandment a): Thou shalt not watch anything at all involving Howie Mandell because he is a cue-ball headed idiot.
I too cannot stand most reality TV Shows. I used to watch a couple because I found them to be an interesting study in human psychology and sociology. However, they just annoy me now. Most of the shows involve Americans. Most Americans on TV are stupid, greedy, and selfish. I can't stand that. Although I have little problem with the cue-ball headed idiot, his show "Deal or Stupid Person's Decision" is my most-hated show. However, when considering reality TV Shows, I wonder where pro sports falls into the occasion (please see Michelle's great post on sports here.)

8. Thou shalt not have heavy objects above thy bed in case there is an earthquake--this commandment is especially relevant to those of us here in BC who live on a huge-ass faultline.
I have realized that Matty is generally an overly safe pansy who takes few chances in life. Especially concerning personal danger. I myself love to live dangerously and therefore have shelfs and books and glasses and pictures all above my bed. I dream of waking up during an earthquake just in time to catch each and everyone of the falling objects aimed for my head.

9. Thou shalt make sure that your children are readers and outdoor players rather than television/video game zombies who can't spell or write and have no social skills--this is the case with so many children these days, in my opinion.
Again... Amen! My kids will play outside. They will play sports. They will play music and sing. They will read and draw and create. They will do all these things whether they like it or not, because I said so.

10. Thou shalt attempt to develop or further the cause of cool nicknames for thy friends and family. For example, I call my father Billzebub, the Dark Prince of Port Alberni. I also have friends named Jimmy the K (not my original), O-Town, the Deet (again, not mine, but I have furthered the cause), Lynnester the Spinster (she is married to the Deet), CMac, koldenbu, the F-Bomb, and T-Bone. Does this make me idiotic? Probably? Do I care? Absolutely not.
Just so you know, I am the Deet. I hate that name. I hate that Matty calls me that for the sake of bugging me. But I've learned to accept it. I wish he'd call me AJ instead but he laughs at me whe I suggest that. So do other people. That hurts. Even more than flossing.


The Renegade Librarian said...

I do not call you the Deet to bug you. I call you that because it is your name and it is the one I have used for you for more years than I can remember. I will NEVER call you A.J.--deal with it!

Michelle said...

Thanks for the shout out...the Macintosh's Witnesses made me giggle, and I agree, an eclectic music taste is the way to go...and I think you really do need to listen to something (just one song will do) to know how bad it is, like Nickelback for instance.

I cannot agree entirely with you on the reality genre, however, you have my full support against Mandell...Deal or No Deal takes the cake for time-wasting, no-value tv.

I do agree that calling Matt a pansy is also highly amusing.


Anonymous said...

AJ???? Who's the pansy now?

Sister Bing

Anonymous said...

Can you two please do this more often? I laughed but butt off!
JL (aka. Lynnester the Spinster)