I Can't Do More!

It was screaming through my head.

As our church entered into the conversation of what to do after the resignation (fairly positive) of our Lead Pastor and my good friend Don Crawford, I could not ignore it.

We are being asked to see how we can fill the holes left by this vacancy. The impossibility of this I will not get into.

"I can't do more!"

It just got louder and louder.

I eventually had to write it down on paper. After I did, my pen kept moving. I knew I brought a pen and pad of paper into that meeting for a reason. All of the things I currently do (or at least the things that came out in a 5 minute spew) were scribbled down. Regularly scheduled, infrequently gotten to, often forgotten, always urgent, really important... everything I could think of.

As I reached the capacity of the paper, I realized it was more than just "I can't do more."

I realized I can't do what I'm doing. Or rather, I shouldn't.

Looking over the vast list I realized how many of the things I am doing poorly. Most. If not all.

Can I admit this to myself? Should I admit it to others? Will I write it down? Will I say it out loud?

I flipped over the page. Began a new one.

I admitted to myself what has been circling in my head for so long. I am doing too much, and often doing the wrong things, and am doing it all poorly. I wrote it down. Over the next couple days I admitted it to others. Now I'm taking it to the international network. What am I doing?

This is not to say I am ready to stop. This is not to say I need to quit or be fired. This is not to say I am having an early-career crisis.

But it is to say something is wrong. I have been spending time listening to others and listening to God and feel sure that things need to change. I need to change.

Part of that change is to admit to myself:

I am failing in my spiritual life and ministry vocation.

What does that mean? I'm not sure.

But I said it.